Murder Suicide

“I don’t get why he doesn’t love me the way he loves Raniya. She left him and I was here to help him get his life together after disappeared on him. But she pops back up and he just said fuck the life that we built together. WHY DOES SHE GET TO HAVE EVERYTHING!” My mother rambled as she paced back and forth in our apartment. 

We had moved out of my dads house and ever since then my mother became a whole different person. I didn’t know what to say because I honestly didn’t know who Raniya was and I don’t know why my mom hated her. All I know is that she is the reason why I couldn’t be with my daddy right now. I missed waking up and him making me breakfast before he dropped me off to school.

“Riah men are stupid. Don’t you ever fall in love because it all will end in heartbreak. Look at me. I’ve been in love with De since the beginning of time and look at what he did to me. He went and made a family with another woman.” My mother spat through clinched teeth. 

I didn’t want to sit right here and hear what she had to say but anytime I tried to leave the room my mother would shout and scream at me. 

“Ma can we call daddy?” I nervously asked. 

“DE ISN’T YOUR DADDY RIAH! HE DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU ANYMORE. HE HAS A BETTER DAUGHTER NOW.” MY MOTHER SHOUTED SLAPPING ME IN THE FACE MAKING ME FALL YO THE FLOOR. 

I shut my eyes tight as I covered my face and cried. I knew what she was saying wasn’t true because even before Raniya came he loved me and he would let me call him daddy. He went with me to my daddy daughter dance at school. How could he not be my daddy but he did everything that other girls with daddy’s did. My eyes popped open when the sound of class breaking was heard. I noticed my mother wasn’t in the living room anymore. All I could hear is different things breaking and the hard slamming of different cabinets in the kitchen. 

“YOU KNOW IF YOU WERE PRETTY LIKE RANIYA’S DAUGHTER WE WOULDN’T HAVE THIS PROBLEM! HE WOULDN’T RUN OFF TO THE BETTER KID. WHY COULDN’T YOU BE BEAUTIFUL LIKE HER? YOU BLACK UGLY ASS IS GOOD FOR NOTHING.”

Hearing those world being shouted at me my eyes began to tear up. How could she say that to me?”

“You just fuckin’ dark and ugly. You’re probably the reason he really wanted to leave. I knew I should have gotten rid of your ass.” My mother spat hatefully.  

I shook my head from side to said and a tried to block out the hateful things she was spewing towards me.

“THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.” She screamed at me. 

I looked up at her and she stood there with her phone in one hand and in the other held a gun that she pointed towards me. I sat there with my eyes wide and fully of fear as I frantically shook my head crying. 

“I’m about to make the world a better place.” She murmured as she looked at me in the eye. 

Her eyes held no remorse or anything as she got ready to take my life. 

“Mommy please.” I begged before the gun went off. 

POW

“AHHHHHHHHH”

I let out a high pitch scream as I shot up in my bed breathing heavily. I looked around my dark bedroom and on the side of me sat a confused and tired SJ. I couldn’t even bring myself to speak as I brought my legs to my chest as I started to cry. 

“What’s going on with you?” He questioned turning to me with the look of confusion all over his face.

I didn’t respond I just continued to cry. The anniversary of my mother’s suicide and me almost losing my life was coming up. This was a nightmare I only got on the day of but since I admitted to DiZarie that I remembered everything from the day the nightmare would replay over and over again the week of the anniversary. Tonight it was different. I know I said I remembered everything because that’s true but tonight it felt like I was really that eight year old girl again. I could remember the smell of alcohol in the apartment. My face stung like I just got slapped. My heart was racing the same way it did when I saw my mother pointing that gun towards me. 

I still knew how she smelled. That smell alone had my stomach turning. 

“Bae what’s up? What’s wrong?” SJ probed. 

“No, no, no” I cried out. 

“Come on talk to me. What’s wrong?” Sj questioned again. 

I will never understand why she would choose that route. Why couldn’t she love me more than a man and why wasn’t she strong enough to push through the heartache.

****

“Where is my baby?” I heard my mother snap when she entered my place. 

No matter how long it’s been it always gave me butterflies hearing my mother call me her baby. I woman that didn’t give birth to me loved me like no other. When I first went to live with them I thought my life was going to be hell. I already almost lost my life because of my birth mother and now I had to live with a lady that probably hated my existence. 

That’s how I use to think when I was younger. My mother proved me wrong on so many occasions. The bond I had with her was like no other. When I was younger and I would have these nightmares of being shot she was the one to lay in the bed to hold me. She was the one to rock me back and forth until I fell asleep. She was the one that would sit up all night assuring me that I was loved and that I was beautiful. My mother was like no other woman in this world. No matter how much shit my birth mother talked about her didn’t matter to her. All that mattered was me and that gave me a new level of joy. 

“She’s in the back. She hasn’t been back to sleep since last night and she hasn’t left the room. She won’t eat and all she’s been doing is crying. I might have an idea of why but she won’t talk to me about it.” Sj informed. 

“It’s okay baby. I got her. Go on and do what you have to do. I really appreciate you calling me. I already planned on coming to be with her for a while. It just got pushed up.” My mother informed as her voice got closer. 

When she opened the door she looked at me with a frown as I burst into more tears. 

“I’m here baby girl.” She cooed as she kicked off her shoes and got into the bed with me.

“Why did she do this? Why wasn’t I enough?” I cried as she wrapped her arms around me.

She rocked me back and forth as she held on to me tightly. I felt like that confused and scared eight year old girl again. 

“Baby girl. Sometimes life is too hard for people.” My mother cooed as she continues to rock me.

“Ahh,” I cried out. 

“When people go through pain the make hasty decisions. The make those decision because they convince themselves that things will never get better. Your mother was going through something when she did and said those thing she didn’t mean. No matter what she said to you that night I want you to remember that she did love you. She just let a moment of weakness take charge during that time.”

“I don’t want to hear that Ma. I hate her.” I gritted. 

All crying stop and I became angry. I was pissed that I was never going to be able to ask her why? I will never get a good understanding and this is a question and thought that will haunt me forever.

“I understand. Maybe you should really go through therapy. Talking about it could really help you.” My mother urged. 

She had been trying to get me to therapy for so damn long. I did not want to g and run my mouth to a mothafucka that didn’t care about me or my life story. They get paid to listen to me.

“Ma,” I groaned. 

“I’m just saying. Did you want to talk to me about it? You know we never talked about this before. You walk to talk about that day?” She offered. 

“Do you think DiZarie will come here?” I asked looking up at my mother. 

“Yeah I’ll text her and tell her to get on the next available flight.” My mother said picking up her phone. 

“Tell her to bring Zyra with her too.” I added. 

My mother nodded her head as she focused on the text. I laid back on the bed and turned over on my side as I blankly stared at the wall. A few moment later my mother laid down facing me and just stared at me. Occasionally she would reach over to wipe the tears from my face. 

“I don’t want you to forget that I always got you baby,” She reassured. 

I nodded my head and gave her a slight smile. I was so happy she was here right now. 

 

Eboni EllisonComment